METRO Monday, November 2, 2009 D Body Matters Communicating in relationships Men and women have the same communication problems in relationships, according to psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos (right). Women are more comfortable with talking, analysing and being emotionally focussed, she explains. Men are just programmed differently. You wouldnt call a Greek rude for smashing plates. When we are in a relationship, one of the things we never do is clarify, says Papadopoulos. If a guy says to his girlfriend: I cant believe were going to your mothers again, she may take it that he doesnt want to go when he simply meant he missed their alone time, she explains. Ask your partner: Im hearing this, is that what youre saying? The sexes also deal with problems differently, she says. Women want to talk as it helps them resolve the issue but men like to think quietly and this leaves women feeling left out. Women want to talk about how the problem made them feel but a man will just hear the problem and try to fix it, so we feel hes not listening to us, she says. Intimacy is also interesting, says the psychologist. Men show intimacy through sex. Women need to feel intimate in order to have sex. After an argument he wants to have sex as its his way of saying sorry. We think Pig, weve just had an argument. Women are told to avoid confrontation and that competition isnt good, says Papadopoulos. We grow up pussy-footing around because of this. Her advice? Just say what you mean, understand the cultural issue and clarify what you hear. What Women Say And What Men Hear (10, Random House) www.play.com features@metroireland.ie How women can crack the code Codeplay: Many women feel theyre not taken seriously in the workplace. A new book reveals how females can get ahead in a mans world by ViCki-Marie Cossar The Five rules of engagement Men need to be cued. Before you engage, cue him for either problem-solving, action, acknowledgement or information. 1 Provide one-word answers (pyramid style). 2 Keep e-mails to just two or three sentences. Men dont care about relational messages. 3 Keep the floor and dont let him interrupt. Air time is important. 4 Refrain from taking male banter personally. Its male play fighting they have been doing it since their school days. 5 Dress for success, not access. The more cleavage, the less credibility. Say no to spandex. It might be good for the club but its very bad for the office. BOYS CORNER James Day tries the latest trend in male grooming lash extensions S ometimes men and women might as well be speaking different languages and theres nowhere that this is more true than in the communication minefield of the workplace. To get ahead in the office women need to be aware of these slight communication differences and know how to deal with them, claim US authors Audrey Nelson and Claire Damken Brown. The pair have recently written a book, Code Switching: How To Talk So Men Will Listen (www.codeswitching.biz), to help women get a fairer go in a male- orientated work situation. Its basically a travel guide for women, explains Nelson. You do better in France if you know a little about the language and the culture and its the same in the office. The book covers everything from writing e-mails and talking to male colleagues to smiling and dressing for success. We all know first impressions count, so make sure you dress for success and not access, says Nelson. I once saw a board-level PA at a Fortune 50 company bend over and reveal her thong and birth control patch. It was more information than I needed. One of the biggest hurdles for women to overcome is the amount of information they give out. Men are goal-orientated and women are process-orientated. explains Brown. Give information to a man in a pyramid style. Think of a pyramid with a one-word answer at the top. If a man asks: Will I have those figures by Friday? dont give him your life story, instead answer, Yes. By 3pm. or No. By Monday. Hell respect you more for a direct answer. Its the same with e-mails, urges Brown. Men focus on the content, the words. They are literal communicators. Women focus on the socio-emotional, or feelings dimension. They read between the lines. Another important thing to remember, as silly as it sounds, is not to smile too much. Women are guilty of smiley face syndrome, says Nelson. They do excessive smiling as if to ingratiate themselves. Combine that with the fact many of the speech patterns assumed by women are high-pitched and they giggle a lot you can see why its hard to be taken seriously in the boardroom. Im not saying its bad to smile, but pay attention to all the subtleties we send out. If the verbal and non-verbal contradict then people are going to go with the non-verbal. The unspoken message is very powerful. Nelson advises women to remember there are certain rules and regulations to femininity, one being that nice girls dont do conflict. Its also not feminine to be ambitious or get angry, stresses Nelson. Anger is a natural human emotion and in contrast its one that men display publicly. When a woman gets angry shes either seen as having PMS or being menopausal, so its important to fight fair. The gender difference in some working sectors is still apparent, but the authors say that by code switching, women can start closing the credibility gap between themselves and their male colleagues. Just by being aware of these factors women can get their leadership recognised. The authors also say that women shouldnt behave like men, they just need to remain androgynous in the workplace. Androgyne is one of the roots to code switching, explains Nelson. Be feminine, compassionate and caring, but also be able to set boundaries and say no. Its much easier for a woman to be androgynous than a man. Masculinity is more entrenched as theres that hidden homophobic issue. If a young man shows his feminine side hes called a sissy at school, but when a young girl is called a tomboy its more acceptable. Code Switching: How To Talk So Men Will Listen, (12, Alpha Books). Available from www.amazon.com When Metro asked me to spend a morning getting lashed, I didnt blink. However, when I suggested I drink my own bodyweight in ale, it became clear we werent seeing eye-to-eye. Instead, I was off to try the latest trend in male grooming fake eye lashes. Londons Shu Uemura and Blink lash bars have been inundated with guys asking for falsies and not just because their other half has dragged them along. Attractive eyes are one of the first things we notice, claims Anton, from Shu Uemura. Sceptical (but single), I pondered this as Anton produced a pair of Lily Savage-inspired polka dot offerings. Anton assured me he was kidding and set about the intricate task of adding several tiny synthetic lash extensions instead. The extensions retain a more natural look and theyll survive a shower and are reusable ten times. Conscious Id be stepping out with eyebrows like Bert from Sesame Street, I headed to Blink for some cotton threading. The Indian technique uses twisted thread, rolled over untidy hairlines, plucking the hair at follicle level which, unlike plucking, removes an entire line of hair for a tidier finish. A lashing costs between 15 and 60 per session. Fight or flight: Women can bridge the gender gap by code-switching index.html2.html3.html4.html5.html6.html7.html8.html9.html10.html11.html12.html13.html14.html15.html16.html17.html18.html19.html20.html21.html22.html23.html